god bless this home

i've felt before the love i know now.

it came from a home with two loving parents, the joy of being part of a family, and the adventures we had together...

 it was the car rides. the picnics. the record player. the sprinkler. the dog. the rabbit. the fish. the swimming pool. the fields. the flowers. the berries. the mountains. the rainbows. the leaves. the snow. the sleds. the mud. the raincoats. the umbrellas. the fire. the sun. the days. the nights. the stars. the moon. the morning sunrise.

bliss finds itself nested in all beautiful moments. these memories i have of my childhood do not begin to tell the story of love, but therein lies moments of pure bliss... moments that regardless of time and place, will warm my heart and resound gentle and somewhat overwhelming waves of joy inside my chest.

bliss is finding love inside you. lets say that again: bliss is finding love inside you.

you take in a moment, it then becomes a memory. the wave of joy heats your heart, and kindles a distinct flavor of love. the moment passes, but later, it still resounds... bliss heats you up. it burns you. so much so, that the fire it lights is so passionate and bright that no one can ignore its light. you are a beacon of love and joy, as you send out the rays of that beautiful, blissful, memory.

much, oh so much, has happened. this blog is a terrible excuse for recording desperate memories of my time in silver city... i do know this. all that was is, and all that is, has been. its a circle, this funny process of growth, personal development, and such. you never get too far off from where you started.
i started out a little over a year ago in a very different, but very much the same place. details abstained (i will save you the time of hearing about needless life dramas), i am so happy now.  so, so, SO HAPPY.
so happy it hurts.

today i started my annual ritual of making my friends and family christmas cards, by hand. i love this process, each card takes about 20-30 minutes (feel special, dear recipricants ;) ), but each is different, special, and tailored to the recipricant. this process took me down memory lane.. i remembered each person on my christmas card lists' impact on me, their solid friendship over the years, and their happy memories that they have left with me.

as hard as it to live out in the southwest corner of new mexico, i have to admit, i am gladly enchanted...  there is no place like this, no place as unique, warm. and loving... SO MUCH LOVE, it can make you crazy.

in understanding the recent personal drama i've undergone, i explained to a friend: "that's just it, i think we love each other too much here." ....as if it were a bad thing, but i have known that the love that keeps you so happy, can also make you crazy, if not sick inside.

i am happy to say that the love that i knew as crazy, sick, and maddening has actually transformed itself into something joyful again. i have some regret for the darker side of life that i meandered into, lost as i was and tired of battling my heart for peace. i did choose disruption, selfishness, and sadness as my crutches for dealing with daily life. what a mistake i made.

thank the sun, moon, and every star in between for the  realness of REAL, TRUE love. those things will take over your heart, no matter your location, your sense of place, or even personal space. i am so happy that we are here, living, breathing, and loving this earth more than we ever have before.

thank you, dear friends and family, you make me complete. your joy, love, and happiness is what i need to keep moving, growing, and sharing with this world.

delicious sunset over the mimbres

I promise for more updates ASAP... and that there is some BIG news on its way! :)

to establish ties...

“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

~~~

There is a great risk that we take in life: it is called love.

Many times over, this world has been defined by love, in its completeness, or incompleteness. 

I, like the fox, thought that my world was made unique by one person... One tame soul that brought me more joy than any other. One friendship that gave me a more than a sense of place, but a home complete with love. This person was unique to me, and I to he... Or so I thought.

Now, I have lost that love, that home, and quickly am seeing my sense of place wither away as well.

~~~

Without a sense of place, I have found myself locked in indecision... Over what matters most to me. Is it the people or the place that I will let define my life?

There is some saying that "It doesn't matter where you are, but who you are with." I feel this is undeniable for me. I have lost my best friend, but am still surrounded by great friends here in this wonderful place where I live. The community here has shown me an enormously generous amount of love since I moved to this town 9 months ago, and I cannot be thankful enough for the support shown to me. I would not be able to have gotten as far, learned as much, and grown as much without the wonderful folks of Silver City.

~~~

“True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

 I am lost, amiss a sea of emotions and choices. I thought that I had finally been gifted calmer seas recently, and was able to steer myself to a safe shore... a decision. I thought I could stay in Silver City, and make this my home, despite the stormy skies that haunted my most recent memories.  And then there was one last wave, one last painful gasp of heart-ache, that broke my bow. I have no will here, I am lost, broken, and looking for anyone to find me, to save me.

walking among the aspens, near signal peak, gila nat. forest

~~~

In this weak and worse place, I now see the truth in this matter of the heart: I have to love myself fully, first, before I can ever expect to have such love returned to me by anyone else. My challenge will be to find the right atmosphere to love myself, and I am not sure what that means right now. My heart is weak, and wants comfort, and unconditional love from my family and friends who support me with no regard to time or place. 

I keep dreaming of Virginia, of her subtle and humble mountains, her sweet Southern charms, and the country there that I was raised in. I dream of my family, the hugs they can give me, the love that is not questioned in my family's home. 

~~~

It is simple to see that my home in Virginia will guide me towards a deeper and truer sense of love. But it is also the challenges we face that define us, and if I can find a way to love myself with only relying on myself, and not asking anything of anyone, then I can be that much more sound in my life's journey, because all of my energy will come from the love I have within me. 

But, as the days dwindle away for my time here in Silver City, I am feeling more and more the tug on my heart to abandon ship and find a new mission in life besides the one I am on. The challenge to love myself is not even related to place, but only my own efforts inside of me.

sunset from ben lilly memorial, gila nat. forest

I pray always and in everyway possible that I will know the first steps to take on this challenge soon...

what happened

the last month was maybe one of my most challenging months of my life.
i had my soul split in half, my heart hurdled into a most painful place, and my conscience left reckoning with unresolved choices.
although the worst of this trauma is over, i am still struggling to figure my new life out.
i might equate my situation with a forest fire, of immense heat, burning up everything that once stood tall, bringing a once thriving place of life to ashes, then, washing it out with floods.
i need to grow aspen forests. i need to find some wildflowers to cultivate my new reality with.
i need a network of roots, of community, of love, to rebuild my self with.
silver city is trying to give me that strength  but alas, i am caught in a long and painful moment of indecision. if i stay in silver city, will i continue to burn? will my past haunt me?

aspen grove, standing tall and resilient

several options are on the table:
1) stay in silver city, take on another year as a VISTA. build a partnership/pilot program with the NM AML (abandoned mine lands) program, develop an environmental education program with GRIP, GCEC (gila conservation education center, local non-profit), and the BLM (bureau of land management) and seek to create a job for myself in one year + through grants, that i will write.
2) leave. return to family, friends, and loved ones that have helped me before. i am thinking denver... there are many career opportunities there that i am qualified for. many people to love me. many chances to see myself without the shadow of the past dimming my perspective.
3) wait. pray. be patient... this option has been my fallback. i am trying to keep my heart open to everyone, everything, to see if there is an overwhelming amount of signs and arguments that will persuade me to make my decision. friends and family, this is your chance to help me out.

the crux of my confusion is this: for a long time now i have separated my professional goals from my personal goals. this was a balancing act that kept me on the strait and narrow path of ambition and success, through all my wanderings and travelling over the past few years. now, given my most recent trauma over the past few weeks, i know differently. my personal goals are exactly my professional goals: they are one and the same.
i seek to be balanced, but uniform in my approach to life. i am trying to understand what this means still, but i think it means something like this:  a love for a career will come from the passion i put into my job, but also the output of resources that i can share with others in my community, and family. there is nothing selfish about my ambition for a career, i am only seeking to share my love and success with those dearest to me.
my problem is that i don't know whom that community and family should be... should it be my family back east? or the new-found friends i have out west? or is it that certain someone that i just haven't met yet? maybe it is all three, but until i have identified all of these sources of love, i cannot rest my searching soul.
after being away from my family back east for so many years, i am resolved to find a home for myself, wherever i may be. i need companionship, love, and support to make this home. i dream that this is not-so-distant of a wish, and that everyday, i am much closer than before.

heard the hum of the mountains... they are telling me to stay.

i am a very fortunate girl to have these choices laid out before me. i am even more blessed to have a certain clarity of mind so soon after experiencing a disastrous september. i thank my friends and family for supporting me through this hard time, and cannot be more grateful for the job that i have and the work that i do. i don't think i could go on if it weren't for the powerful work that my job affords me. i absolutely feel happy in my job, but am only fearful of where certain options will take me down the road...
can i stay here and be content? do i need to challenge myself with change? what will 6 months from now feel like?
if only i had a glass ball, or a genie, or a thousand stars arranging themselves to tell me my future... i need more signs. more answers. more pushy people in my life to convince me that i need to take a certain direction. as scattered as i am still from september, i am worried that my soul may be in too many places all at once, making any decision-making nearly impossible.

carpe manana

here in new mexico we have a saying, "manana": literally, "tomorrow."

things happen at their own pace around here. there is a lot of waiting. waiting for rain, waiting for plants to grow, waiting for better weather, waiting for fires to burn out, waiting to get paid, waiting to hear back from your senator or congressman, waiting for things to change.

while the attitude of manana mostly means you can just show up late to events, meetings, etc., there is another more nuanced understanding of manana. this understanding grasps the patience that accompanies the poverty, corruption, and the many social and political ills that have made the "land of enchantment" also the "land of entrapment." things don't change fast around here. some native american nations are still waiting for their land to be given to them as promised centuries ago.

here in silver city we await funding for public infrastructure projects to fix roads, build parks, improve schools, and foster better social structures for the poor, the sick, and the young and old alike. silver city is not unlike many small towns in america, really. there just happens to be a lot more deprived and needy folks around here that have been waiting for a lot longer than most americans.

as we gear up for a political season full of empty promises by politicians with empty souls, i am reminded how lucky i am to be doing the work that i do for americorps. i actually can say that the work i do directly impacts people, and that i have almost no personal gain out of the work that i do. i live at the same (if not lower) level of poverty as the many folks in my community that i help out, and i depend on them for their support and trust to get the work i am supposed to do done.

silver city is a place where people put their heart and soul into their work: whether its teaching children, growing food, saving the environment, fighting fires, or leading others towards a more healthy and sustainable life. it is possible this is how many small townspeople are, and i am amazingly blessed to be part of such a passionate community.

a recent blessing has fallen into my lap, thanks to the wonderful people of silver city. i have been offered the chance to stay here another year, for a consecutive term as an americorps vista. the grant for my new job still has to be written, submitted, approved, and enacted, but there has been a lot of buzz around the office lately that despite me being here six months now, it is already seeming too hard to let me go.

i am not sure i can let silver city go. this place is magical. there is a vibration that pulses through the lives of folks here that is inspiring and beautiful. my heart is wrapped up in the work that i do for the environmental non-profit i work for, so much so that i just can't say no to anything they ask of me.

i think back to a few months ago, and i was pretty sure then that i would be on my way come march, 2013. since then, i have been pulled into the tides of "please stays" and all the other undeserved compliments that have come along with all the pleas and wishes.

something has changed in me, where i see myself intrinsically linked to the happiness and success of the people here. this is more than i could have imagined as a sense of fulfillment for myself and my career, and really, the experience i have had here has grounded me to a simpler sense of self that i have long searched for. while my personal journey of fulfillment and contentment in life will be never-ending, living another year in silver city will fill me with life's joy and bliss that i am sure could not happen elsewhere.

i cannot thank enough the wonderous souls that have opened my heart and mind up in this way. i am so happy to accept the things that are most natural to me, and make a career and a home out of them... even if it is only for at least another year.

but that is the beauty, and the bane, of life, that manana has no more answers than today.

morning in the gila wilderness

and so, as i stand at a precipitous moment in my life, and contemplate my fall into the land of entrapment, i have nothing more to say, than manana: for manana is all that we have.

new beginings...

this is a whole new thing: welcome to "heart of the gila"!

the aim of this new blog will be to catalog my most recent adventures of living in the southwest corner of new mexico, in a little joyful place called silver city. sitting at the foothills of the gila and black range mountains, silver city is a "high desert" ecosystem, that is a mix of rocky mountain terrain and chihuahuan desert. confused? just check out my pictures, i can't seem to take enough of them!

mostly i just want to show off here that life is extraordinary, extraordinarily wonderful.

it will definitely be a work in progress, i had to retire my blog of almost four years recently due to a snaffoo of me deleting much of the website's contents... woops!

but i am taking it as a blessing in disguise, my old blog just felt, well, old. there were entries that felt a little too much like reading a diary. i felt that i had grown much over the years as a blogger, writer, and life-adventurer, and sought to create a better platform for my creativity, insights, and blissful blog entries.

so this is it! please stay tuned as i work hard for the next few weeks to reconstruct years of finagling advanced settings, preferences, etc. i even tried to play around with wordpress, but due to my love of google, i decided to stick it out on blogger. the good news is, blogger does seem much improved since four years ago!

here's to keeping my fingers crossed, and to some great blogging to come!

thanks!

-claire