what happened

the last month was maybe one of my most challenging months of my life.
i had my soul split in half, my heart hurdled into a most painful place, and my conscience left reckoning with unresolved choices.
although the worst of this trauma is over, i am still struggling to figure my new life out.
i might equate my situation with a forest fire, of immense heat, burning up everything that once stood tall, bringing a once thriving place of life to ashes, then, washing it out with floods.
i need to grow aspen forests. i need to find some wildflowers to cultivate my new reality with.
i need a network of roots, of community, of love, to rebuild my self with.
silver city is trying to give me that strength  but alas, i am caught in a long and painful moment of indecision. if i stay in silver city, will i continue to burn? will my past haunt me?

aspen grove, standing tall and resilient

several options are on the table:
1) stay in silver city, take on another year as a VISTA. build a partnership/pilot program with the NM AML (abandoned mine lands) program, develop an environmental education program with GRIP, GCEC (gila conservation education center, local non-profit), and the BLM (bureau of land management) and seek to create a job for myself in one year + through grants, that i will write.
2) leave. return to family, friends, and loved ones that have helped me before. i am thinking denver... there are many career opportunities there that i am qualified for. many people to love me. many chances to see myself without the shadow of the past dimming my perspective.
3) wait. pray. be patient... this option has been my fallback. i am trying to keep my heart open to everyone, everything, to see if there is an overwhelming amount of signs and arguments that will persuade me to make my decision. friends and family, this is your chance to help me out.

the crux of my confusion is this: for a long time now i have separated my professional goals from my personal goals. this was a balancing act that kept me on the strait and narrow path of ambition and success, through all my wanderings and travelling over the past few years. now, given my most recent trauma over the past few weeks, i know differently. my personal goals are exactly my professional goals: they are one and the same.
i seek to be balanced, but uniform in my approach to life. i am trying to understand what this means still, but i think it means something like this:  a love for a career will come from the passion i put into my job, but also the output of resources that i can share with others in my community, and family. there is nothing selfish about my ambition for a career, i am only seeking to share my love and success with those dearest to me.
my problem is that i don't know whom that community and family should be... should it be my family back east? or the new-found friends i have out west? or is it that certain someone that i just haven't met yet? maybe it is all three, but until i have identified all of these sources of love, i cannot rest my searching soul.
after being away from my family back east for so many years, i am resolved to find a home for myself, wherever i may be. i need companionship, love, and support to make this home. i dream that this is not-so-distant of a wish, and that everyday, i am much closer than before.

heard the hum of the mountains... they are telling me to stay.

i am a very fortunate girl to have these choices laid out before me. i am even more blessed to have a certain clarity of mind so soon after experiencing a disastrous september. i thank my friends and family for supporting me through this hard time, and cannot be more grateful for the job that i have and the work that i do. i don't think i could go on if it weren't for the powerful work that my job affords me. i absolutely feel happy in my job, but am only fearful of where certain options will take me down the road...
can i stay here and be content? do i need to challenge myself with change? what will 6 months from now feel like?
if only i had a glass ball, or a genie, or a thousand stars arranging themselves to tell me my future... i need more signs. more answers. more pushy people in my life to convince me that i need to take a certain direction. as scattered as i am still from september, i am worried that my soul may be in too many places all at once, making any decision-making nearly impossible.