“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
There is a great risk that we take in life: it is called love.
Many times over, this world has been defined by love, in its completeness, or incompleteness.
I, like the fox, thought that my world was made unique by one person... One tame soul that brought me more joy than any other. One friendship that gave me a more than a sense of place, but a home complete with love. This person was unique to me, and I to he... Or so I thought.
Now, I have lost that love, that home, and quickly am seeing my sense of place wither away as well.
~~~
Without a sense of place, I have found myself locked in indecision... Over what matters most to me. Is it the people or the place that I will let define my life?
There is some saying that "It doesn't matter where you are, but who you are with." I feel this is undeniable for me. I have lost my best friend, but am still surrounded by great friends here in this wonderful place where I live. The community here has shown me an enormously generous amount of love since I moved to this town 9 months ago, and I cannot be thankful enough for the support shown to me. I would not be able to have gotten as far, learned as much, and grown as much without the wonderful folks of Silver City.
~~~
“True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.” ― Antoine de Saint-ExupéryI am lost, amiss a sea of emotions and choices. I thought that I had finally been gifted calmer seas recently, and was able to steer myself to a safe shore... a decision. I thought I could stay in Silver City, and make this my home, despite the stormy skies that haunted my most recent memories. And then there was one last wave, one last painful gasp of heart-ache, that broke my bow. I have no will here, I am lost, broken, and looking for anyone to find me, to save me.
walking among the aspens, near signal peak, gila nat. forest |
~~~
In this weak and worse place, I now see the truth in this matter of the heart: I have to love myself fully, first, before I can ever expect to have such love returned to me by anyone else. My challenge will be to find the right atmosphere to love myself, and I am not sure what that means right now. My heart is weak, and wants comfort, and unconditional love from my family and friends who support me with no regard to time or place.
I keep dreaming of Virginia, of her subtle and humble mountains, her sweet Southern charms, and the country there that I was raised in. I dream of my family, the hugs they can give me, the love that is not questioned in my family's home.
~~~
It is simple to see that my home in Virginia will guide me towards a deeper and truer sense of love. But it is also the challenges we face that define us, and if I can find a way to love myself with only relying on myself, and not asking anything of anyone, then I can be that much more sound in my life's journey, because all of my energy will come from the love I have within me.
But, as the days dwindle away for my time here in Silver City, I am feeling more and more the tug on my heart to abandon ship and find a new mission in life besides the one I am on. The challenge to love myself is not even related to place, but only my own efforts inside of me.
sunset from ben lilly memorial, gila nat. forest |
I pray always and in everyway possible that I will know the first steps to take on this challenge soon...