to establish ties...

“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

~~~

There is a great risk that we take in life: it is called love.

Many times over, this world has been defined by love, in its completeness, or incompleteness. 

I, like the fox, thought that my world was made unique by one person... One tame soul that brought me more joy than any other. One friendship that gave me a more than a sense of place, but a home complete with love. This person was unique to me, and I to he... Or so I thought.

Now, I have lost that love, that home, and quickly am seeing my sense of place wither away as well.

~~~

Without a sense of place, I have found myself locked in indecision... Over what matters most to me. Is it the people or the place that I will let define my life?

There is some saying that "It doesn't matter where you are, but who you are with." I feel this is undeniable for me. I have lost my best friend, but am still surrounded by great friends here in this wonderful place where I live. The community here has shown me an enormously generous amount of love since I moved to this town 9 months ago, and I cannot be thankful enough for the support shown to me. I would not be able to have gotten as far, learned as much, and grown as much without the wonderful folks of Silver City.

~~~

“True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

 I am lost, amiss a sea of emotions and choices. I thought that I had finally been gifted calmer seas recently, and was able to steer myself to a safe shore... a decision. I thought I could stay in Silver City, and make this my home, despite the stormy skies that haunted my most recent memories.  And then there was one last wave, one last painful gasp of heart-ache, that broke my bow. I have no will here, I am lost, broken, and looking for anyone to find me, to save me.

walking among the aspens, near signal peak, gila nat. forest

~~~

In this weak and worse place, I now see the truth in this matter of the heart: I have to love myself fully, first, before I can ever expect to have such love returned to me by anyone else. My challenge will be to find the right atmosphere to love myself, and I am not sure what that means right now. My heart is weak, and wants comfort, and unconditional love from my family and friends who support me with no regard to time or place. 

I keep dreaming of Virginia, of her subtle and humble mountains, her sweet Southern charms, and the country there that I was raised in. I dream of my family, the hugs they can give me, the love that is not questioned in my family's home. 

~~~

It is simple to see that my home in Virginia will guide me towards a deeper and truer sense of love. But it is also the challenges we face that define us, and if I can find a way to love myself with only relying on myself, and not asking anything of anyone, then I can be that much more sound in my life's journey, because all of my energy will come from the love I have within me. 

But, as the days dwindle away for my time here in Silver City, I am feeling more and more the tug on my heart to abandon ship and find a new mission in life besides the one I am on. The challenge to love myself is not even related to place, but only my own efforts inside of me.

sunset from ben lilly memorial, gila nat. forest

I pray always and in everyway possible that I will know the first steps to take on this challenge soon...

what happened

the last month was maybe one of my most challenging months of my life.
i had my soul split in half, my heart hurdled into a most painful place, and my conscience left reckoning with unresolved choices.
although the worst of this trauma is over, i am still struggling to figure my new life out.
i might equate my situation with a forest fire, of immense heat, burning up everything that once stood tall, bringing a once thriving place of life to ashes, then, washing it out with floods.
i need to grow aspen forests. i need to find some wildflowers to cultivate my new reality with.
i need a network of roots, of community, of love, to rebuild my self with.
silver city is trying to give me that strength  but alas, i am caught in a long and painful moment of indecision. if i stay in silver city, will i continue to burn? will my past haunt me?

aspen grove, standing tall and resilient

several options are on the table:
1) stay in silver city, take on another year as a VISTA. build a partnership/pilot program with the NM AML (abandoned mine lands) program, develop an environmental education program with GRIP, GCEC (gila conservation education center, local non-profit), and the BLM (bureau of land management) and seek to create a job for myself in one year + through grants, that i will write.
2) leave. return to family, friends, and loved ones that have helped me before. i am thinking denver... there are many career opportunities there that i am qualified for. many people to love me. many chances to see myself without the shadow of the past dimming my perspective.
3) wait. pray. be patient... this option has been my fallback. i am trying to keep my heart open to everyone, everything, to see if there is an overwhelming amount of signs and arguments that will persuade me to make my decision. friends and family, this is your chance to help me out.

the crux of my confusion is this: for a long time now i have separated my professional goals from my personal goals. this was a balancing act that kept me on the strait and narrow path of ambition and success, through all my wanderings and travelling over the past few years. now, given my most recent trauma over the past few weeks, i know differently. my personal goals are exactly my professional goals: they are one and the same.
i seek to be balanced, but uniform in my approach to life. i am trying to understand what this means still, but i think it means something like this:  a love for a career will come from the passion i put into my job, but also the output of resources that i can share with others in my community, and family. there is nothing selfish about my ambition for a career, i am only seeking to share my love and success with those dearest to me.
my problem is that i don't know whom that community and family should be... should it be my family back east? or the new-found friends i have out west? or is it that certain someone that i just haven't met yet? maybe it is all three, but until i have identified all of these sources of love, i cannot rest my searching soul.
after being away from my family back east for so many years, i am resolved to find a home for myself, wherever i may be. i need companionship, love, and support to make this home. i dream that this is not-so-distant of a wish, and that everyday, i am much closer than before.

heard the hum of the mountains... they are telling me to stay.

i am a very fortunate girl to have these choices laid out before me. i am even more blessed to have a certain clarity of mind so soon after experiencing a disastrous september. i thank my friends and family for supporting me through this hard time, and cannot be more grateful for the job that i have and the work that i do. i don't think i could go on if it weren't for the powerful work that my job affords me. i absolutely feel happy in my job, but am only fearful of where certain options will take me down the road...
can i stay here and be content? do i need to challenge myself with change? what will 6 months from now feel like?
if only i had a glass ball, or a genie, or a thousand stars arranging themselves to tell me my future... i need more signs. more answers. more pushy people in my life to convince me that i need to take a certain direction. as scattered as i am still from september, i am worried that my soul may be in too many places all at once, making any decision-making nearly impossible.