desert reflections

its been a while, blog folks. but alas, it is the end of the year... we are saying goodbye to 2013, and taking a step back now to think about what it all meant before we dive head first and hopeful into 2014.

stopping to enjoy some amazing fall scenery in the gila.

i am pretty sure 2013 will go down as the year of struggles for me. some real tough life lessons hit me hard this year... but not without a full-on acceptance from me to take on the challenge of getting it "right"... whatever that means.

looking back on 2013, i remember sitting in a wilderness hot springs with some of my best friends, on the eve of january 1, with temperatures of about 1 degree farenheit... it was a lovely evening. we watched the moon curb the cliffs above us in a countdown-like fashion... 3-2-1... and the full moon blazed out into the blackness, reflecting its rays on us in the warm waters below. we told each other what are new years resolutions were... and i, being the materialistic selfish person i am, said "more money and success." and, i can say now, i did that. check that box off, and it feels fucking fantastic.

this needs explaining.... i am not that into money, but, yes, i am an extremely ambitious person. my background story that many of you know is that i was an americorps member in silver city, working for an environmental non-profit at the time. i was about to end my first year of service for a second year up in albuquerque, and to be honest, money was not my goal. as an americorps, you acutally live at (really below) the poverty line, and only receive a minimal monthly stipend. facetious but honest, money was on my mind... because who doesn't want to get out of poverty ASAP?

you can take the hardrock out of the girl... but you will still abuse government gas mileage reimbursement policies :)

now onto the success part: albuquerque was a trip, a wild ride of career ambitions, independence, heart-swarming emotions, and dehydration. i missed silver city immensely while in the burque, and returned bi-weekly for visits, so much so that most folks in silver never even knew i left... i claimed partial residence at the bike haus, and spent much of my time building bridges out of albuquerque back to silver city.

a few of my favorite things: hatch chilies

that is not to say that great things didn't happen in the burque. i had amazing friends, a most wonderful roommate, explored many new places, and made some bold career moves... i grew. it was an important time for me to experience me for me. nobody stood in my way in that city... except that city. i didn't like the sprawl and waste and madness of the burque, and by the end of july, my body was so tired of fighting the heat and injustice there, i was crazy to get out. my daily mantra was: "you are going to make it out of this hell-hole," and it happened so suddenly and perfectly, that within two weeks of officially hating that city, i was gone.

i packed up babyroo (my junker subaru) and my cat and my houseplants and my bike and a futon. i stuffed my car wildly on a day that was supposed to be my last at work. i hated my job so much that i simply didn't tell anyone i was moving that day. i just drove away... and didn't answer my phone or check my emails for another week thereafter.

another favorite thing: aspen forests

and then i was home. i returned to silver city, and gloriously, i met my friends for a warm and most welcome weekend in the woods. resting in the hot springs, 6 months after my resolutions on new year's eve, i felt full circle, despite being broke from car repairs, forfeiting my education award when i quit americorps, not having a house to live in yet, nor many of the things that i thought i would have by now (or still) back in january. but i was home, back in the gila, with my tent and friends (and a pretty awesome job lined up) and thats all i needed.

fast-forward: its the end of december, and i am still coming to understand all of these big transitions that made 2013 what it was to me. but the thing is, i don't regret a thing. that's the secret of happy people, you see... happy people don't regret their mistakes or misleadings... you just tell yourself what you learned from them. i can't begin to tell you what i've learned this year, but i will try to list a few top-lessons here:

me at my cool new job: delivering petitions to save the gila river!

1. life is weird and awesome.
2. don't backdown, especially if you want something bad.
3. if you want something bad, backing down does not mean impatience. patience is a fucking virtue.
4. never stop exploring.
5. the happier you are, the smaller your world becomes.

there are endless lessons inside these lessons, but for real, this is real stuff that we all figure out for ourselves, in our own time. my time was apparently 2013. i didn't backdown from these challenges, and i took them on. i learned out that living for my passions is the most important thing for me. i will give up money, security, and whatever else it takes to do what i love. for me, my ambition of success is to be passionate and joyful, which i am so grateful that i get to do on a daily basis now.

things have worked out for the best, and as i say 'hasta never' to 2013, i am grateful for the places that i've gone, inside my heart and around this beautiful and immense country. next year is going to be fan-fucking-tastic. i can feel it swelling up inside of me already... that this coming year is going to be the year of celebrations--i plan on celebrating my happiness and the beauty we all live in as much as possible this coming year. because we all deserve a good party and some joy for this world :)

be grounded, yo.